Have you ever come to point in your life when everything you have been trying just doesn't seem to do it anymore? That is where I find myself now. I have already faced one divorce, and quite possibly could be headed full steam into a second. I could point fingers and blame all this on others, but the truth is there is plenty of fault for me to accept. I would say that my second marriage is caught in such a precarious position, because I ran from God. I have spent almost my entire adulthood obsessed with what other people think of me. When I divorced the first time I was so ashamed of what people may think of me, that I ran from the people that could have taken me under their wing and helped me to heal. I know that now, but I am not how much good that will do me in my current marriage.
Now is the time to grow up. It is time to stop hiding in the shadows. I recently read John Elredge's book "Wild at Heart". I definately recommend it to any guy out there. It is an amazing book. One of the things that he says in the book is that men need an adventure to live. Every man, however civilized needs something that really gets his blood pumping. Don't worry Mom I am not going out to buy a motorcycle or skydive. I have been racking my brain for a week or so, and asking God what is my adventure? What is it that you have gifted me for? I kept coming back to writing. I haven't done much writing in several years. I used to fill composition books with all sorts of scratchings. Do I think that anyone would ever publish the dribble that I wrote? Not really, but in some ways it made me feel good to put pen to paper and just write. I always preferred this disposable fountain pen from pilot. So if anyone is looking for any gift ideas, then that would be a good one. I have always been very restrained when I speak to people, but when I am writing I am free to say whatever I want. Even when I met my wife and we would chat on the internet, the things that I said there, I would never have the courage to say to her face. There is a certain protection in writing that allows me to expose myself to world, but not like some creepy guy in the park. Well here I am. I am not interested in how many people may read this, but I am interested in chronicling my searching and following after God. In the book I mention the author quotes a Howard Thurman, who said "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go and do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive." I really like that quote.
One of the things that has caused more heartache in my life is that I just don't know how to be a man. We look to our father's to show us what is expected of a man. I love my dad, but he never set the greatest example. Honestly, who can say that there dad set a perfect example? Anyway, I have spent my entire adulthood vowing that I would never be like my dad. After swearing off the acts of my father, then what am I left with? I am left without clear direction and without a good idea of what it means to be a man. I took everything to the farthest extreme. I became the nicest guy you could ever meet. I never argued with anyone. I would go along with just about anything, just so I wouldn't rock the boat. Who would want to live with a man with no opinion. Besides that, what type of women would believe their husband would defend her family, when he doesn't even have the guts to challenge her?
So what do we do with our bad examples of manhood? How do we move forward from here? I think when we look back at our dads, sometimes it can be sort of insulting to our senses to refer to God as our heavenly father. I can assure that Gos doesn't lay on a couch in heaven with a white t-shirt that is a little small and full of holes. All of the ways that our fathers have failed us, God does better. He is the perfect father. He is the architect of fatherhood and of manhood. If you are going to look for the best way to fix your car, then you would call the company right? Why don't men look to God when they can't figure this whole thing out?
I hope I haven't rambled too much. I have a tendency to do that too. What I hope to do in this blog is just ponder questions as they come up, and just seek to find who I am and who God wants me to be. He really is the only one that can answer those types of questions.
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