I am consumed. I am swallowed up and have only one option. I feel deeply that I am doing what is right, and what will lead to my own happiness. I can not be deterred. I can not listen to doubters. I have to push forward. When everything looks helpless and I am striving for nothing God urges me to push forward. It would be easier to turn and run, but he urges me to push past the pain and loneliness. He has an amazing gift to give me. I just have to work for it. I have a year-long lease. I can not continue to expect a quick fix or a sudden reversal of fortune. It may take me to the end of my lease, but I know that God is one who keeps his promises. I just need to keep mine. Everyday, I reach a point of wanting nothing more, but to surrender. In those moments I must look to God for more strength. Nothing of value was ever achieved without a lot of hard work. This is probably the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I must push forward. If I am to become and see myself as all the man who God has designed me to be, then quitting just is not an option.
Everyday I want to throw in the towel and run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. Deep inside myself I feel pushed to reach out. I already know in my heart the rejection that awaits me. I have grown accustomed to the cold shoulder. I can blame no one, but myself. I can not stop reaching. I have to continue to strive to become the man who I was destined to be, and desire the life that God has for me. I have to reach out. I wish that he would tell me that this is not in his plan for me. It hurts so much to be rejected day in and day out. I have to reach. I can do nothing else. God give me strength. Help me to push past that rejection. I truly believe your promises. I truly believe that this is what you have for me. If it is not, then please give me peace. It this is the end. then please let me go. I can not stand to fight this hard in a losing battle. If you wish me to stop and walk away God, then give me the word.
I still believe that this is what God wants for me. I still believe that in the end he will bless me. If I stay faithful, then he will be faithful to me. I just can't stop reaching out to you, because I believe with all my heart that one day you will reach back. Even if it takes this entire year, I just can't!