A couple of weeks ago, Pastor talked about Jesus sending the disciples out. He told them not to take anything for their journey. They weren't allowed to plan a route or anything. He expected them to leave and rely on God to lead and provide for them. I am almost certain that I would have fell right on my face. It is so difficult for me to just step out. I need plans, and back-up plans, and back-up plans for those. You think about like Abraham. How does this guy leave everything that he has ever known and just trust God. Man, I wish I had that in me. I feel weak and frail. I can't go an hour without going back to God with a whole list of doubts. I question him more than I trust him. What is the secret to this life? How do you get that kind of faith? How do you step out into the darkness and move forward? I fool myself into thinking I am moving forward, but in reality I am stuck in neutral. I suppose moving forward isn't always what we should be after. What if we are just supposed to rest in his arms? I remember as my daughter grew into a toddler she no longer wanted to sit for more than a minute in my lap like she did when she was little. Now that she is 12, she won't sit more than a few seconds next to me. I feel like that is how I am with God. He is trying to press me to his chest and love me, and I am constantly fighting and struggling to get loose. I suppose that is a product of our fall. We have an inborn sense that we can do this thing on our own. No matter how hard God tries to handle the big stuff for us, we push back and try to make things happen for ourself. I want to rest. I want peace. This is a peace that doesn't make any sense. That is the type of peace that I need right now. If I could only sit still long enough to feel it. I am kicking and screaming as God wants me lay back and just watch him work. Could this be like Moses? In the bible it says that God hardened Pharoah's heart. Did God harden a heart? Is he trying to teach me once more that I can not do any of this on my own. Has he hardened a heart so when it is soften I will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that is was God all along and not something I did or said that brought about this healing? I suppose I am just thinking out loud.
Dear God. Help me to rest in you. When my mind goes to racing comfort me with your love. Don't give up on me. I want to be near you. I don't know how to do that. Teach me. Show me how to enjoy you. When I try to do this on my own draw me back to you. I need you. I have lost myself without you. Help me to find myself again. When I find myself again help me to find joy in who you have created me to be.