Thursday, November 21, 2013

Still Tossing and Turning at 2 AM

I wish I could say that I learned anything from my first Divorce.  I was shaken to the core and set adrift. I was left a shell of a man.   I was tossed about upon the waves.  I feel like I barely survived.  For someone like me that has wrapped every bit of their identity as a man into women, it was like an emotional castration.  I never met anyone.  I never really dated.  As I was being tossed by the waves I ran a ground.  I smashed right into the middle of some one else's life.  Someone who was bubbly, strong, assertive, independent.  A person that was all the things I had forgotten how to be.  Thrown together by circumstances of my own making, I was injected.  Neither of us were ready.  Nothing started as it was supposed to.  If you were to try to start a relationship in a worse situation, it would be hard to make a situation more doomed.  I could have fed of this person.  Used their happiness and strength to help rebuild my own.  I didn't.  I became dependent on it.  I needed their strength in place of my own.  I was in such a horrible place in my own self, that I began to doubt that I ever had strength to begin with.  When I could have stood on my own.  When I could have been a rock.  I stop believing that I had in me.  All of my weaknesses were filled by another by default.  I was a boy living in a man's world.  I never took the time to heal my heart.  To repair the hurts from before.  I locked away my heart.  I withheld all of me.  I don't know that it was necessarily for self-protection, but I never believed I had all that much to offer.  The longer it went on the less and less respect I had for myself.  I became hollow inside.  I was asked for more of myself, and I had nothing to give.  If you can't even love yourself then how can you possibly love another.  Had I backed away and set about putting myself together, then perhaps we could have made something.  Had I thought to walk away to heal, then perhaps after a time then we could have returned and had a real intimacy.  A little girl.  I adored.  I fell in love with like my own.  I could have walked away.  Even if it were to heal so that I could have had more to offer, I am not sure I could have walked away from that little girl.

Beating my head against the wall.  Never able to get it just right.  Who was I kidding?  I didn't know what right was.  I was lost.  Just as lost as I feel right now.  I used the only tactic that I was really good at.  I retreated.  Into myself.  To insulate myself from what I am sure I thought was my eventual rejection.  At this time what could I look to as assurance.  I closed myself off.  Never quite committing all of myself.  I continued to drift.  I drifted to work everyday and back home again.  I had no anchor and no solid footing.  Those around me were never able to feel I was fully engaged.  I was never fully attached.  Maybe I thought that if I never attached, then the break up would be easier to take.  I was so wrong.

It is two o'clock in the morning.  I am sitting in a lonely apartment.  I try to lay down, but all my failings come rushing back to me when I close my eyes.  I want so bad to repair the damage I've done.  Like a piece of fine china, I am not sure all the pieces will ever fit back together.  I want to prove to others and to myself that I am not the cold distant man who I have been for so long.  I am screaming and no one is listening anymore.  I am standing on a stage, and the lights are so bright that I can't see that the audience has gotten up and left.  I cry out to God.  I want some sort of relief.  I want some sort of hope.  The silence is deafening.  I ask for answers and have none.  At times I feel the old me back.  I feel stronger.  I feel happier.  I feel friendlier.  I feel the drive to engage with others.  Then in these moments when I lay in this empty bed it all disappears.  The emptiness returns and sucks the life out of me.  I just want one moment, one second of relief.  Just to see the rain clouds part and a bright ray of sunshine to fall on my face.  And the rain continues.

Dear God.  I need something.  I feel like I am falling apart.  I can't take these times.  I need you.  I need you more than I have ever needed you.  I need to be held by you.  I need your hands to wipe away my tears.  Repeat to me softly your promises to me.  When I doubt you, then say them louder.  I need to hear from each time I take a breath.  It is you and only you that drives me to take the next breath.  Can I please have just a little ray of sunshine?  Something.  Please.  I have tried so hard to do all of this in my own power.  I was supposed to be building up, and dug a ditch.  As I lay here in the ditch that I dug, please Lord lift me up.  Pull me out of the mud and place me on solid ground.  Help me to look to you and not others for validation.  Tell me again that I have what it takes.  Tell me again that I can do this.  I have already forgotten since the last time you told me.  Tell me again that you have a plan for me.  Tell me once again that you won't give me more than I can handle.  I feel so close to my breaking point that is hard to believe that anymore.  I need to feel your presence.  I need to feel your warmth.  If ever there were a time, then this a time that I need you to carry me.  Give me an anchor.  Stop me from drifting.  This is no way to live.  Show me a better way.  Give me a drive to seek your face.  Give me the faith to trust you.  If I must obsess about something Lord, then let me obsess about you.  May you my only thoughts.  When I lay down at night fill my mind with thoughts of you.  Set my mind racing of how far you have brought me.  Remind me of the joy of my salvation.  Send me a Moses.  Someone that can help to free from this bondage.  Someone to remind me of all the things you whisper to me, and I am too distracted to here.  I am desperate.  I am hopeless.  Please God help me!

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