Thursday, November 7, 2013

Where Am I?

It is amazing to me how incredibly predictable people can be.  I am a smart enough guy, but this sort of stuff still blows my mind.  I love to watch shows like Criminal Minds.  They have these psychology experts on those shows who case tell you what type of criminal has committed the crime just based on how they behave.  I have taking classes on psychology and sociology and always have thought their generalizations were a little bit overreaching.  Boy, was I wrong.

I am going through some serious stuff in my life right now.  I have been reading a lot trying to come to grips with what is going on in my life.  I started reading a book last night that my therapist recommended.  It is especially for people who are suffering my particular type of crap in their life.  As I am reading the author is making these broad generalizations about people in my particular situation.  Of course as usual I am incredibly skeptical of all that she is saying.

When I look at how I have acted over the last few weeks, I see myself in the pages of that book.  I feel like I am on a roller coaster.  I go from desparation to red hot boiling anger in only a matter of seconds.  Within minutes I am back down and feel so horrible for how I have acted.  It feels at time that I have completely lost control of my emotions.  I can say those most hateful and damaging things, and within minutes I am back to attempting to be tender and compassionate.

Some of the things that I am saying are feelings that I have stuffed down, and tried to avoid.  Anger, bitterness and out right rage.  I am not saying that my emotions are all together wrong.  I am just saying that there has to be a better outlet.  I can’t say these awful things if I intend to put my life back together, and yet they spill out faster than I have the ability to reevaluate what I am saying.

I have tried to find some solace in prayer, but I feel lonely and abandoned.  I suppose that I am being taught patient and perseverence, but the only thing I want is for the pain to stop.  I have begged and pleaded and yet I suffer on.  I don’t know where I am.  If I have no idea where I am how can I possibly have any idea of where to go to get out of this mess.

Sometimes I think it is easier to be angry.  If I stay angry, then I don’t have to face my own demons.  I can go and pretend that I am ok, and this is all someone else’s fault.  I am certain I have done that before.  I imagine that getting through my first divorce was so much easier to write off my first wife as a lunatic.  I spent so much energy on all the things that she ought to change.  Attacking her for all the ways that she had failed me, that I never had to face up the ways that I may have failed her.

It is no wonder I am where I am.  If you never learn from your mistake, then you will just move forward and continue the same patterns.  I think this time I may have even amplified the patterns from before.  I was so angry and hurt that I never put myself out there.  I mean I was there, but I never made the investment.  I suppose I believed that my investment in my first marriage wasn’t appreciated.  I thought I had been used and taken advantage of.  I promised myself that I would never let that happen again.  Little things that probably would have made a big difference I avoided, because no one was going to hurt me like that again.  That isn’t fair to anyone, and it had to have made me intolerable to live with.

When do you know that it is too late?  When are you supposed to throw in the towel?  When your heart won’t let you quit, but in your mind you have already quit, then what do you do?  I want some direction.  I want to know where I am going, but right now I just can’t figure out where I am.

I try to turn to others for advice.  That has been completely unsucessful.  They are either entirely too biased to be any help, or it just isn’t appropriate to involve them.  So, I sit here.  Night after night I live a life that doesn’t feel like my own.  I am surrounded by a world that I just don’t feel like I fit in anymore.  Someone is sitting reading this and saying to themselves that the answer is inside me.  That is such a beautiful thought.  The problem being that I can’t even agree with myself anymore.  My heart is heading in one direction and my mind in the complete opposite direction.  I need answers and I don’t know where to find them.  I am lost without a compass.  I just pray that there is some sort of break through soon, because I am not sure how much longer I can go on like this.

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