Thursday, December 12, 2013

A Letter

To Whom It May Concern,

I have to be honest.  When all this started I hated you.  I would think about the evil things that I could do to you.  I wanted you to be as miserable as I was.  I wanted to cause you a pain that was equal to your betrayal.  You were someone I called a friend.

With time most of that has passed.  It is still very difficult to see you.  I am not so much angry now, as I am deeply hurt and saddened.  Seeing you can suck all of the life from me, and leave me paralyzed.  I am sure in time that will pass.  None of that is why I am writing to you.

I won't preach at you.  I won't lecture you.  I just want to share my story.  I want you to know what I consider my greatest blunder in life.  I married young.  I doubt even now that I truly understand all of the challenges that marriage entails.  I returned home from a training exercise, and my wife told me she wanted out.  At that moment I made the greatest mistake of my life.  I gave up.  I just quit.  I agreed with her.  When I sought wise counsel from my pastor, I was told not to give up.  I was told that it was right to fight for my family.  It was very good advice, but for me it was already too late.  I had already checked out.  I was already done.  I tried to give the appearance of one trying to fight for my family, but truthfully my heart was never in it.  I never sought God.  I thought I could just handle it all on my own.  I was so wrong.  Looking back, I wish that I had not given up.  I wish that I had put all the effort that my family deserved into saving my family.  I assumed that my kids would be ok.  I would be the part-time Dad, and nothing would really change.  I was so wrong.  It was like my entire world was set upside down.  The relationship I have with my kids has never been the same.  The closeness that we experienced when they were young are only distant memories of a life I wish I had tried harder to save.  I would give anything to go back, and do it all over again.  I can not.  I have to live with the mistakes I have made and try my best to learn from them.

I am not sure if any of that will mean anything to you.  I do want you to know that I am praying for you.  Jesus told us to love our enemies.  Unfortunately, that is where you find yourself in my heart at this time.  I can't tell you what to do.  The only thing that I can do at this time is continue to lift you up to the one who can change hearts.  I hope by praying for you everyday that God will give me the power to forgive you.  I hope that one day that the site of you doesn't cause me so much sadness.  I can merely move forward in the grace of God.  I am relying on him to go from day-to-day.  I have prayed more in the last two months than I have my entire life.  I am no longer afraid of what will happen to me, or if I will be able to make it on my own.  I know that I have all the strength I could ever need with God.  I will land on my feet, and I will thrive in him.

I honestly hurt for you.  You have set fire to the world around you.  I am not even sure that you can smell the smoke.  You have important decisions to make in the future.  I hope that you will not take them lightly.  I would hate for you to live in the same regret that I do.  It is not everything that it is cracked up to be.  At first you will feel the relief of casting off a relationship that you feel no longer satisfies you.  It is short-lived.  After that you will be consumed with unimaginable sorrow when you look up and realize your family is in tatters.  I will continue to pray for you.  I will continue to seek the power of God to forgive you.  I pray God will give you the wisdom to face the decisions that must be made in the future.

In Him,

Brandon

1 comment:

  1. You feelings have touched my heart. I understand your hurt. I only wish I could take the time to express my hate and anger and sadness as you have done. Instead I keep pushing the pain deep down because I don't know how to deal with it. Thank you for sharing your story with me.

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