To Whom It May Concern,
This has been one of the most difficult times of my life. At times, I wondered if I could endure another minute. I am making my way through. The grey skies have begun to clear and I am beginning to feel the warm of the son on my face again. If I had to do it over again, then I am not sure that I would change a thing. I had drifted so far from where I should have been. I was tossed in the sea of life. I needed an anchor. I needed a safe harbor. All this time, I was trying to make you that anchor. I was trying to make you my safe harbor. That was something you were never intended to be. It was unfair and it was destined for disaster.
It is true that I believe giving up on my first marriage was one of the greatest mistakes of my life. That doesn't erase the fact that in my failure, God brought you into my life. I deserved no grace, and yet he gave me more. If I had recognized that you were a gift of God years ago, then I doubt we would be where we are now. I tried to close his love for me out of my heart. I don't believe that we are ever truly able to love others, unless we are basking in the love of God. I thought I could do it all myself. I was so wrong. I fell right on my face. If I had stopped for a moment and looked to the Cross, then I would have seen you for the beautiful gift that you were.
I am not surprised that you have closed your heart to me. I have laid before you disappointment after disappointment. You had put all of your hope in me, and I let you down. I pray daily that God will warm your heart to me once again. I am not sure when or if that will ever happen. I am not the man who moved out a month ago. I have been consumed by a love without end. I have laid myself at the feet of the cross, and submitted myself to the one who made me. He is teaching me daily how to love.
God is God. I am not. I have tried in vain to do what only he can do. If this is what he has for us, then he will make it happen. There is no magic phrase that will reignite your heart for me once more. He is the only one that could possibly do that. In my frustration, I have said the most awful things. Things that I wish more than anything I could take back. If God has given you to me as a gift, then how could I say such awful things? I am ashamed of myself. I know so much better than that. I wish there were something that I could do to take all that away. I just pray that God will give me the strength to bridle my tongue, and to speak only blessings to you. I pray daily that God will give you the grace to forgive me for the things I have said.
You have hurt me. I am not sure I have ever been so hurt in all my life. I have prayed for you everyday. I pray everyday that God will give me the grace to forgive you. I know that he has the power to do that. I know that he is able to accomplish his works, when we think all is lost. He loves to work things out in the face of incredible odds. I find myself asking him daily how much longer I must wait. I have yet to receive any answer. I am merely assured by him, that I must continue to wait on him. I don't know how long this will all last, but I am faithful that God has a purpose in all of this. It will be a beautiful thing when he is done. I wait anxiously for the day when his purposes are revealed to us.
I completely understand your reluctance to even give the thought of reconciliation a second thought. There is no part of me that wants to go back to what we were. God is not asking us to do that. He doesn't want us to return to the same mess that he pulled us out of. He wants to make something new. He wants us to put to death the old us, and be raised up into a bigger and better us. Two people, who have basked in the love of God, loving one another in a more perfect love each and everyday. I have to spend time with the Bridegroom, before I can be all the husband that I am meant to be. He is the author of marriage. He wrote all the rules. He model the relationship after his own relationship with the church. Who else could give a man better instruction? I avoided him, and we sit in tatters, because of it. I wish that I could go back to the first day, and start fresh. I wish that I would have turned to God when the world I knew fell apart. I would have been so much more prepared to care for the gift that God gave me in you.
It would have been so much easier to sprint for the door. All of this has been so painful. It would have been easy to abandon the role that God has called me to. I sought him. I asked for freedom. I asked him to give the ok to walk away. He revealed to me that I was called to love you. You were a gift from him. He taught me all of the responsibilities that I have to you. He entrust you to me. He anticipated that I would lead you spiritually. I have never taken that very seriously. I can not ignore that anymore. I know you are angry with me right now, because I will not let you out. God will not let me do that. I have thought for so long, that love meant that you always said "yes". I am learning more and more each day that when you truly love someone, that sometimes you have to tell them "no". I am not saying no, because I want to be cruel. I am not trying to force you to love me. I call has led me to tell you no, because of the love that I have for you. I am not sure you can see that now, but I hope moving forward that God will reveal the great amount of love it has taken to tell you know. I worry about you every moment of the day. I want to see you become all that God has designed you to be. He has something so amazing for you. I want you to realize all of your potential. Even if you don't understand it right now. I hope that you will appreciate that when I tell you no, that I am just trying to love you the way God had intended me to from the very beginning.
I sit. I wait. I am no longer in the dark places that I was just weeks ago. I am learning to lean on the loving arms of God more and more each day. I really don't know what you will do. I just trust God. He has all the power. It is he who steers the hearts of his people. I should have never tried to do his job for him. I love you. I think I can say that in a truthfulness and a fullness that I never have been before. It is all in God's hands now. Know that you are in my prayers everyday. I pray that God will reveal to you the purposes he has for your life. I pray that as we move forward that you will lean deeper into the arms of the God that loves you. I love you. I miss you.