This is such a huge responsibility. Do you think more men would rethink marriage if they took the time to think about the implications? I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I think I missed an important part. I talked about the forgiveness that Christ gave to me. I guess I never thought hard enough about his pursuit. When I wandered away, he was so gentle. He never attacked me for the wrong I had done. He called to me gently. He sought me like a loving father. I should have extended the same to others.
I am guilt. There is really nothing I can do to change it. I thought someone was wrong. I was so sure of myself. It seemed so black and white. I suppose I have a responsibility to point it out, in love. That doesn't give me the right to bludgeon someone with what they have done. I should have been gentle. I should have laced my truth with love. In my heart, I thought I was doing what I was doing out of love. I am certain it didn't seem like that to the outside. I was condemning. I was judgemental. I wish I would have handled it completely differently. In my mind, I hadn't done anything wrong. I felt so sure that I was in the right. None of that really mattered did it? When someone I cared about deeply, someone who I want desperately to spend the rest of my life with stumbled, I knocked her down. When I had knocked her down, then I continued to kick her. I am ashamed of how I have handled this. I guess the sense of moral superiority blinded me. I am no different. Haven't I failed horrible in marriage? Haven't I failed as a father? Haven't I failed in so many areas of my life? I have never been any better. I just had my own pet sins. Passivity. That is one of my favorites. Nasty speech. That is another. Who was I to pass judgement?
It is such a delicate subject. How do you reach out to someone you care about when you see them wandering from the truth? How do you do that without putting yourself on a pedestal?
We fool ourselves. I know I do. I think that I am following God, and that is it. This following is so much more than that. I have to get up everyday and ask God to put to death that old me. That selfish prideful me is always lurking around every corner waiting to jump in and take over again. I have to make a conscious effort everyday to chase him away. I have to pray every morning that God will give me humility. I know that I don't have it in myself. In the end, even the most heinous criminals and I have one thing in common. We are both trying to replace God on his throne.
I don't know if I have made to big of a mess. I suppose God is definitely able to make up for my failings. He has gotten me this far right? I can not dwell on what happened yesterday. I can't afford to spend too much time beating myself up. I have to do right from today forward. God willing it will all work out in the end.