Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Letter #4

To Whom It May Concern,

I have been thinking a lot about what has occurred over the last few months.  I wish I could sit here and say that I have always handled things properly.  I have failed more times than I care to admit.  Many of my failures have led us to this point, and I continued to make them.  I am not sure if you will ever be able to forgive me for being such an ass.  I pray to God that you will be.  I am such an arrogant jerk at times.  I am guilty of being selfish a lot more than I care to admit.  I suppose it was easier to point out selfishness on your part than it was to own up to my own.

I still love you.  It would be so much easier on me if I could just turn it off.  I am not sure why God is urging me to continue to fight.  I guess it is a character building exercise.  I know I need that a lot.  I have been fooling myself acting like I was being so brutally honest with myself.  I left many stones unturned.  God is peeling back what I had hidden, and exposing it to me.  Who am I really?  I am no better than you.  You have your faults and God knows I have mine.  I have been a jerk to you.

I truly am concerned for you.  I hurt for you.  I don't want you to make the same mistakes I made in walking away from God.  I let my fear of being alone trump what you really needed from me.  I don't necessarily mean what you thought you needed from me.  Sometimes, there are things that we need from others that we will swear we don't.  You needed tenderness.  You needed me to be gentle.  There was no problem with speaking the truth, but I never used any love in it.  I pray you will be able to forgive me.

I have been thinking how God has dealt with my failings.  He never accused me.  He never condemn me.  I have done all that and more to you.  What kind of picture of Jesus I must have given you.  No wonder you think I am full of it.  I bludgeoned you with what you had done.  That was never my job.  I should have started praying for you when this all started.  I should have been praying each time I attacked you, and told you how horrible you were.  I am no better.  I am a horrible person too.  I just have different faults.  I fail more than I succeed.

People told me several times to be gentle.  They told me to love and to pray.  I am ashamed that I didn't listen to a word they said.  I put myself up on a pedestal and acted so superior.

I still long to spend the rest of my life with you.  I am not sure there is any human hope of that.  I do know that God is a lot bigger than I am.  I know that he can do all that I could never do.  I don't want to see you make the same mistake I made.  I am sitting in an apartment all alone, because I tried to do it on my own.  I am not perfect.  I am not even sure I am the best person to give anyone advice.  I just know that I love you.  I want to live up to what God has called me too.  God has  called me to love you as he loved the church.  That is a huge responsibility.  He has asked me to lay down my pride.  He has asked me to set aside my own wants and desires.  He has called me to build you up in the faith.  I have desperately failed at all those things.  I can't do any of that on my own.  I just don't have it in me.  I know that if I continue to look to him, then I can do all these things and more.  I don't expect you to look past all my failings tomorrow.  I know that would be ridiculous.  I shouldn't act that way.  This is a big mess, and it needs a lot of time.  There are a lot of hurts.  We have both said some rotten things to each other.  I think you are worth all the effort and more.  You deserve a man who loves you as Jesus loved the church.

When all this began you said that divorce was a big step.  I have done and said a lot of things that have made that not such a big step.  I think you were right though.  I think it is a huge step that has a lot of consequences.  We will both suffer them.  I don't intend on trying to change your mind.  That is not mine job to do.  I am going to try in this new year to truly leave you to God.  Ultimately, this is your decision.  This is between you and him.  I am here.  I will try my best to wake every morning and turn you back over to God.  I will try not to fight for you, and then lie to myself that I am fight for you.  The only fighting that I could ever do for you is on my knees.  I love you, and I am certain that I always will.

In Him,

Brandon

2 comments:

  1. Keep fighting, keep praying, and keep loving no matter what your situation looks like.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I appreciate the encouragement. I intend to keep fighting for and not with.

    ReplyDelete