I had put God on the back burner of my life for the last several years. It wasn't till I had a devastating revelation in my personal life, that I decided it was time to get serious about God again. A couple of months ago, when certain things came to life in my marriage, I was ready to run. Honestly, I was anxious to get out. I made plans to get my own place, and I even signed up for an internet dating site. I began praying and I returned to Church. God began to speak to me. He said it is not about you, Brandon. You have a responsibility to the people who I have entrusted to you. I argued with him. I thought for sure he must be mistaken. He kept bringing the story of the unforgiving servant up in my mind. How could I not be forgiving, when God has already forgiven me so much? It was then that I began to try to seek reconciliation. My wife found the profile, and I deactivated it.
Over the last few months, I have been hot and cold. Somedays, I trust God and know that he is ready to do amazing things. Other days, I see with my human eyes and can see no hope. He keeps urging me to trust him. He keeps encouraging me to be patient. This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever been through in my life. I feel so much closer to God, but tomorrow I know I will begin to doubt him again. During, one of those times of doubt I reactivated the profile on the dating site. I tried to rationalize it to myself, by saying I was just trying to meet friends. I was not trusting God fully, because I had this back up plan. He has asked me to trust him. He has told be to wait. I am disappointed in myself for doubting him, but I know that this is a journey and not a destination. I wish that I could wake up tomorrow and trust God fully, but I doubt him from minute to minute. I pray that he gives me the faith to trust him. It seems like sometimes I just run low on faith. Trusting God when the whole world says you are waiting on the hopeless, is incredibly difficult.
I have wanted God to let me out of this mess. I sought Godly counsel. I was hoping they would tell me go ahead, Brandon. I confessed that I just don't know how much more love I have. They told me to read the book of Hosea. They reminded me that divorce was a concession that God gave to man. It would please God if no one be divorced. The relationship of a husband and wife is an earthly picture of the spiritual reality of Christ and His church. When I think about that picture I find it difficult to allow myself any type of out. I think about how much disappointment and unfaithfulness I have brought to Christ. I have spent so much of my life doing things my own way. If he has endured that for me in love, then how could I not do the same.
Someone pointed out the glaring difference between what I have shared here, and the fact that I have a profile on a dating site. I am glad that I was held to account. We need people in our lives are willing to call us out. As iron sharpens iron right? At first I was embarrassed. Like the kid who has gotten his hand caught in the cookie jar. I lied. I am not sure why I thought that would make it go away. It is easier and more mature just to own up to our mistakes. I was embarrassed because he exposed my lack of faith in God. I felt like I had been caught with my pants down. Authentic faith shouldn't be that way. If we are truly open and honest with ourselves and others, then there is nothing to expose.
Well I have taken the profile down. Not because someone called me on it, but because it truly shows a serious lack of faith in God. He is the God who can make the dead rise. I am sure he can work even in this. I have to trust him more and more everyday. He has always been faithful to me, and he will always continue to do so.
Do you trust God enough to give up your back up plans? I would like to say that I do, but I would simply be lying. If we ask God for the faith to trust him, then he will give it to us.