To Whom It May Concern,
I was reading a book last week. It was another book about what to do in our particular situation. When we spoke I felt like you everything you were saying to me, had been quoted from the book. I got so smug and haughty about it. I took on this attitude of self-righteousness. I am sort of embarrassed about that. God had a special way to humble me.
I read a book yesterday. It was probably the fourth or fifth book I have read during this time of trial. I was embarrassed. The author started in the first chapter writing about all the things not to do if you truly would like to reconciled to your spouse. I have done every single one of them. I will try in the future to avoid them. I feel sometimes like the Apostle Paul. The things I don't want to do, I do them. The things I do want to do, I don't do them. I know right now you are unable to see the sincerity of my efforts, but I am truly seeking God in all this. I am not sure if there is any hope, but I am trusting God.
I can not tell you with a hundred percent certainty, that God has a plan to smooth all this over. To be honest, that is not the most important thing. God was trying to get my attention. I had spent so much time running from him, that he had to take drastic measures to really get a hold of me. Do I think by delaying that it gives us a better shot? I am not sure. I do know that God has asked me to trust him, and to be patient. Perhaps, he just wants to grow me in my faith in him. That is the most important thing right now. If there is any hope, then it can not happen without God. Furthermore, there is no hope for me as a man apart from God. If I can grow to be the man God has always wanted me to be, and yet still no rekindle our life together, then it is still a win. My relationship with God has to be the most important thing right now. If I ignore that then I will have failed to learn the valuable lessons in this time of trial.
I truly feel like I have failed you as the spiritual leader of our home. There were times when I should have stood for something, and I didn't. I should have been leading you and our family to a deeper reliance on God. I didn't. I have had to make difficult decisions in the last couple months. Right now, you see them as vindictive and spiteful. I hope that in time you will grow to see what my true motives were. I saw someone I care deeply about making very poor decisions. Decisions that I know were not Godly. I am not trying to be judgemental. Those decisions are between you and God. The decisions I made, I did because I wanted you to see what you were doing. I tried everything, and you just did not see what I was doing. I am not responsible for the consequences that have occurred. All I did was get out-of-the-way and let them happen. I know you don't believe me, but I did all this because I love you. If I lose you and you grow in your faith in God. If you grow closer to him, then I will have a peace about it. I just could not sit back and watch you run away from him. I did that. I ran so fast and so hard away from God, that I believe that everything that all of the bad things that have happened to me since are because of my disobedience to God. God remained ever faithful. He welcomed me back, and has made me glad. He has returned to me the joy of my salvation. I want all the same for you. I am not trying to sit in judgement of you. I care about you very deeply. I want all the best that God has for you. If that isn't me, then God bless you and keep you.
I have been thinking a lot about what you said the other day. That I thought I was in God's will, but I wasn't doing anything. I have gone over that thought again and again in my mind. I imagine to you, that it does look like I am not doing anything. I have been doing so much. I am not working on us, because right now that would be destined to fail. I have to work on me. I have to get right with God. I have to grow in my faith in him. If I were to pursue you without God, then we would return to the same place from which we came. The only hope we have is God. I am trying to connect with him. I don't expect you to believe my sincerity. I pray everyday, that in time you will. I don't know if that day will ever come. There are a lot of hurts and disappointments to work past. I have failed so many times to live up to the commitments I have made to you. I was trying on my own, what I truly could only do with the help of God. I will keep on doing the things that I have been doing. I will continue to seek God. I will continue to pray for you. I will continue to read my Bible. If, in the future you begin to see who truly sincere I am, then I hope you will seek me out. If you still think I am full of it, then stay right where you are. I know that he who has begun a good work in me is faithful to complete it. All I can truly do right now is work on the relationship I have with God. Until I can get that in line, then there is no hope for our relationship.
I pray for you each and everyday. I do it before I do anything else. I pray that God will show you the way you ought to go. I don't know what that direction is, but I place you in the hands of God. He will show you the way. Even when I am completely hopeless, I know that he will show me the way. I love you, and I am certain I always will. I will always be here.