Friday, January 10, 2014

Letter #6

To Whom It May Concern,

When all this started I wanted to run far and fast.  I had half a mind to run home to Michigan.  I was hurt like I have never been hurt before.  I have already been through one divorce, you would have thought I would know what to expect.  I was devastated.  I was hurting so bad that I didn't want to even look at you.

When the initial shock and hurt wore off, I decided that I had to do what I could to try to save my family.  I knew you were worth it.  I didn't know if I could reignite your love for me, but I knew that I owed it to you.  I pushed down my hurt and anger.  I should have taken sometime to be angry.  I should have found some outlet for the anger and hurt I was feeling.  It was no helpful at all to express it to you.  If I had taken that time to vent to people other than you, then maybe things would look a little different.  I am not sure.  I can not change the past.  All I can really do is determine today to do better.  I need to give all that anger and jealousy to God.  He has told me to cast my cares upon him.  I should have taken him up on that offer a lot sooner.

I was completely lost and grasping at straws.  I had no idea what to do to make a difference.  I knew that I had avoided God for too long, and that was the best answer I could come up with.  You had always pressured me to make faith a bigger part of our family, and I knew that avoiding God is a big part of why we are here.  I have prayed more in the last few months than I have in my entire life.  I have read more of my Bible in the last couple months than I even did in Bible school.  I find myself frantic and lacking when it comes to Thursday and Friday.  I need Church on Sunday to refill me, and prepare me for the week ahead.  I feel so good and enthusiastic when I leave Church on Sunday.  I feel like I can face just about anything.

I have prayed so hard for God to lead me in how to handle this situation.  I want nothing more than to please him with my life.  I have falling on my face.  I am not going to lie about that.  I have made epic blunders in the last few months.  When I felt tempted to text you and start an argument I started to stop and just pray for you.  That was helpful.  There are many fights that weren't started because God gave me the strength to avoid my temptation.  I am sure you are more concerned about the fights I did start.  I am so sorry.  I can't undo the spiteful things I have said to you.  I don't blame you for not believing that I love you, because when I think about the things I have said to you I doubt myself.  I don't understand how I could love you so much, and say the meanest things to you.  I am trying harder to give that to God.  I can't promise you that it will be all better tomorrow.  I just hope that my laspes will grow further and further apart.

For seven years, you have urged me to make decisions for myself.  I have run all of my decision-making past you for your approval.  That was just a disaster.  I hated myself.  I felt like a spineless little worm.  I am a man, and I shouldn't have been afraid to make my own decisions.  I have made a decision.  It was not an easy decision.  If I were only concerned about me, then I definitely would have made a different choice.  I made my decision, and it has infuriated you.  I am trying to be the strong man who you have always wished I were, and it has only served to make you angrier.  I want you to know that I didn't make this decision lightly.  God had to push me and urge me to do it.  It is the hardest and most painful decision I have ever had to make in my life.  It would have been so much easier to just jump ship and go on with my life.  I really meant it when I said for better or worse.  I am certain that this may be the worse that we were talking about.  I have tried to get someone to give me a way out.  I thought when I spoke to some good Christian men, that they would tell me I was being silly.  I hoped that they would tell me it was ok for me to run like I really would prefer to do.  Love is so much more than a warm feeling.  Love is about putting someone elses welfare ahead of your own.  I know you probably can not see it right now, but I made my decision because I thought it was the best decision for you.  I worry about you.  I hurt for you.  I can't save another person from making poor choices, but I don't have to get out-of-the-way and watch someone I care about destroy themselves.  I am certain you don't see it the same way I do.  I hope in time you will start to see that I said no, because I love you.  Perhaps, I feel guilty because I was such a poor spiritual leader in our family.  It may be too late, but I feel like God is still calling me to lead.  I am trying desperately to do that.

It breaks my heart that you have so much animosity to me.  You don't answer my phone calls.  You don't answer my texts.  I feel like the closer I get to God, the further I get from you.  I feel like the harder I try to be all the man who you begged me to be, the angrier it makes you.  I will never be able to reason you out of your decisions.  I can believe they are completely wrong.  In the end, I have to stand back and let you go your own way.  I know the pain and misery of turning my back on God.  I thought I could escape him.  I thought I could do it all on my own.  I was so wrong.  I have made a disaster of my life without him.  If I am ever to be all the man I am to be, then it is only through him.

I sit in my apartment every night, and I hope you will stop by.  I pick up my phone and hope that you will call.  I check my email constantly in hopes that you have sent me a message.  When I return to my apartment I always hope to see you waiting at my door.  The phone doesn't ring, and you haven't stopped by.

I am not crazy.  I see all the hopelessness that you do.  I don't have any idea how God could bring our family back together.  Sometimes, I just don't know why he wants me to fight so hard for something that looks so dead.  He is so much bigger than I am.  He has such a wider perspective.  He sees the big picture, that I can't.  Do I see any hope with my own eyes?  No, not really.  But God is here.  God can do amazing things.  If that makes me delusional to believe in such a powerful and graceful God, then I suppose I am guilty as charged.

Ultimately, I am only responsible for myself.  I can't make you try.  I can't make you seek God.  I can't make you do anything.  I am trying daily to accept that.  It is a lot harder than it sounds.  Everything in me wants to fight and argue with you, that our family deserves another chance.  Ultimately, that is between you and God.  I will only have to answer for myself.  I have sought him.  I have not become perfect.  I am sure before the week is out that I will do something stupid.  I will confess it to God, seek forgiveness, and get back on track.

I really meant it when I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.  I want nothing more than to grow old with you.  I would love to watch our children grow together.  Watch them start families of their own.  If I had some magic bullet, then I would have used it by now.  I just keep praying.  I just keep seeking to do as God would have me to do.  I love you so much.  I miss you more than you know.  It breaks my heart that you have so much animosity toward me.  I wish I knew how to make all things right.  It is completely out of my hands.  When Gideon was called to fight the Midianites, God cut his fighting force drastically.  God wanted to make sure that when the Israelites beat the Midianites, that they would not become proud thinking they had done it on their own.  That is where we are right now.  God is the only one who can bring healing and reconciliation to our family.  If he chooses, he will be the only one to thank for such a miraculous feat.  It won't be because I became such a great man.  It won't be because I said all the right things.  It will be God alone.  He is the only one who can bring us back from destruction.  I will try to trust that he knows what he is doing.

I love you.  You are always on my mind, and always in my prayers.  I am always here for you.

In Him,



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