Monday, January 13, 2014

Letter #7

To Whom It May Concern

I have been thinking so much about my life over the last few months.  It has been one of the most painful times of my life.  I would never want to repeat it again.  The thing that I cherish about this time is what he has done for me on a personal level.  I am so much closer to God.  I really feel his hand of blessing on me.  I feel so much stronger.  I have had to make very difficult decisions.  I had to stick with those decisions against strong opposition.  I felt like I was letting down all over again, but I just wanted to do what was best for you.  I don't know if you are able to see that now, but I hope that in time you will be able to see that.  This time has made me a better man.  It has made me draw strength from the only real source.  You may find it hard to believe all this, but God is really growing me through this time.  I wouldn't want to go back to the spineless coward that I was before all this happened.  I am sad that I am not with you, but I am so happy to be where I am.  I am trying to prepare my heart for whatever God has in store.  I know what I want more than anything.  I know what I dream about when I am lying awake each night.  I want to be with you.

I am glad that you were not willing to settle.  You should never have had to.  You deserved so much better.  You needed so much better.  You really have been a blessing to me.  When we were together you pushed and urged me to be a better man.  At first I admired that.  At some point I guess I grew to resent it.  I wasn't angry at you.  I was angry at myself for not being all the man I knew I could and should have been for you.  You really have been the best thing to ever happen to me.  I wish I had spent a thousand times more telling and showing you that.  I pray everyday that I am not too late.  I just have no way of knowing.

There was a part of me that wanted to push away from the pain.  I wanted to avoid it.  I wanted to run.  I even tried at times to do just that.  I just can't quit you.  I can't give up on you.  I love you too much to go down without a fight.  Every time you ask me to stop texting you, I am just that much more determined to tell you how much I love and miss you.  Each time I feel as you try to cut me completely out of your life, I am more determined to win my way back in.  You are my obsession.  It isn't because of all the things that you have done for me, or because I am afraid to be alone.  It is because more than anything in this world I want to be with you.  I am starting to really wonder if that will ever happen.  I try so hard to push the idea out of my head.  I find myself throwing temper tantrums with God over what I want.  I want you.  People try to tell me that maybe God has something better for me.  I don't want anyone else.  I don't want anything better.  I want you.  I want my better to be you and I rebuilding a life together.

I don't want anything that we had before.  I want something completely new, and completely different.  I want all that God has for us.  I want to rejoice in each others presence.  I want to be one another's best friend in the world.  I want a life time of Gatlinburgs, only a hundred times better.  I know that God can do all that.  I am trying to be very patient.  I have been hasty in the past.  Sometimes, I pray so hard that God would work his miracle right now.  I have to remind myself that these types of things can take a lot of time.  I can wait for as long as it may take, and if it doesn't then I will rely on the strength of God to get me through.  I really pray that is not how he answers all my prayers.  I love you so much.  I just can't imagine my life without you.  It would be like losing a limb.

I will be ok.  I know what I want, but I also know that God will see me through.  I am a better man, because of these struggles.  He has drawn me to himself, and he is making me more like himself.  I am praying more than I ever have.  I am reading my bible more than I ever have.  I am absorbed in him.  Every moment that I am not thinking about you, I am thinking about him and all that he is trying to teach me.  I want to be with you.  I don't blame you for not believing my sincerity.  I don't blame you for being determined to not let me back in your heart.  I have piled on the hurts over the last seven years.  I pray that I am not too late.  It hurts so much to think about that possibility, but I have God.  I am so thankful to have grown so much in this.  I will make it through no matter what.  I will be a better and stronger man.  I can take comfort in that, no matter how our lives end up.  I love you more than anything.  I want nothing more than to grow old with you.  I miss you so much.  I miss seeing your beautiful smile.  I want to be the one to put the smile on your face.  Regardless, of how this all turns out you will always have a place in my heart.  I want all the best for you.  I pray that I am a part of that.


In Him


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