To Whom It May Concern,
I know that you told me not to write you anymore letters. You also asked me not to text or call. I just feel like I have nothing to lose at this point. I also believe that when to quit on us, is my decision to make. You may be right. All of this could be for nothing, but in the end what have I really lost? I promise you that I don't spend countless hours obsessing about us. I see everything that you see. I realize that we are probably through. I love you. I meant it when I said I wanted to grow old with you. Until the ink dries on any decree, then I will do whatever I can to try to reignite any feelings you have had for me.
I am afraid that in all this I may have missed an important point. I spent so much time stressing how much I didn't want a divorce, because I didn't think it was right. That is just a small part of the issue for me. I don't want a divorce, because I want to be your husband. I realize that I have not made a very good husband to this point. I brought a lot of garbage into our relationship, that only made it more difficult. Rather than face my struggles, I just withdrew into myself. I am sure that had to be very painful for you. I believe that at one time we had something. I believe that it was nothing compared to what we could have. I am certain that it would not be easy. We both have a lot of hurts to work through. I think we are worth it.
I have to be honest. Sometimes, I am just confused. I try to tell myself not to try and figure it out, but I am just left puzzled. When all this first started, you were eager to find out what my counselor had advised me to do. I am also confused, because you say that you have no animosity toward me. You say that you are indifferent. Granted, I have said some extremely hurtful things myself. I regret all of them. You have also said somethings, that I can only guess were meant to destroy me. I am not sure how that is not animosity. I am not sure how that is indifference. I have to be honest, for the last couple months those words would set my healing back weeks. I have spent so much time trying to when your approval. When I felt I had lost it, it was as if I couldn't breath. I spent most of our marriage trying to win your approval. Much of my confidence issues were due to never getting it right. That isn't your issue as much as it is mine. It wasn't fair to bring those types of questions to you. The last few emails I have received from you have said some really mean things too. I am at a place now, where I know my heart and I know enough about who I am that they didn't crush me like before. It was a relief to read your emails, and not question myself.
I have to be honest that it did kind of hurt my feelings that you took to mocking my faith. Had I not returned to God, and started to take spiritually things seriously, then I just don't think I would be doing half as well as I am. God has stood beside me. He gives me strength when I am weak. He answers all the questions that I should have never taken to you for answers. When I fail he is there to help me up, and urge me to move forward. I find relief in the fact that he knows I will not get everything right, and he is ok with that. I feel like he is making me more and more like himself everyday.
I am not sure if you will ever believe that I am not the weakling that I was before. Honestly, I don't know if it would matter. I am not a pathetic excuse for a human being. I am sinful man, that is trying desperately to submit to a loving God and obey his word.
I don't know many things, but some things I am certain of. God never intended any marriages to end. Even in situations like ours his intention was for people to endure. The picture of the church as the bride of Christ is amazing, because of the long-suffering and forgiveness of Christ. That picture teaches us about what is needed in a marriage to endure life's storms. They need a lot of both long-suffering and forgiveness. I say all this for one reason. If God intended all marriages to endure, then that means that he will give us everything we could possibly need to make that happen. He would never expect something of us, and then not provide all the tools available to obey him. He is just not that type of God.
I still love you. I pray for you everyday. I pray that you would seek God. Perhaps, God has other plans for us. I just don't know. Either way, I would love for us to leave this struggle with a greater dependence on God, and a deeper understanding of his amazing forgiveness.
I have been trying to let you be. I haven't wanted to hound you or annoy you, but I am here. I love you, and I miss you.