Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Making No Progress

When my world fell apart I turned to God.  I have been trying to listen to his will for my life.  I have made so many mistakes.  I had said things that I immediately regretted.  I wish that I could take all of them back.  I can't close the box back up.  I have made very difficult decisions.  It would have been easier for me to run away.  It would have been easier to abandon this whole thing.  I felt like God had another way for me.  I have fought it just as hard as I have tried to obey him.  In my weakness, I feel like I sabotaged myself.  I don't know how to make things better at this point.  I wish I had an easy answer.

I said no, because I care.  If it were only about me then it would have been easy to walk away.  No one would have blamed me.  Many people don't understand why I haven't.  All I can say is that God has something else in mind.  I have no idea what that is.  Perhaps, after all this he is just trying to teach me to be patient.  I am not sure.  I just want to obey him.  I have wander so far away, and I don't want to go down that road again.  I have to try and stay true.

God has asked me to patient.  I have tried so hard.  I must confess that I tried to rush the process to many times to count.  I got frustrated and let my lips say the most vile things.  I wish I could take them back.  I feel like I am no closer to some sort of resolution than when this all began.  I feel like everytime I try to do the right thing, that I step in the crap.  I have moved passed really obsessing about what other people think of me.  That is not important.  There is only one opinion that should have ever mattered to me.  That is the opinion of God.  I am trying to please him.  I am trying to obey him.  I am trying to trust him, but I feel like I am spinning my wheels.  I am wondering when my prayers will be answered.  Right now, I don't see any hope.  I want to toss in the towel.  I just don't want to let God down again.  He has asked so much of me.  Sometimes, I don't see how much longer I can go on.  Sometimes, I am at my end.  I pray that God will give me strength in my weakness.  I want to endure.  I am not sure what will happen if I do, but I do know that I will be a stronger man.  I know that I will be closer to him.  He will use this time to make me more like him.  I know I definately need that.

I can't spend my days obsessing about the wrongs I have done.  That is the devil trying to hold me back.  He would like nothing more than to leave me in the pit I was wallowing in.  I can do better than that.  I have been delivered.  God has lifted me up out of the pit, and placed my feet on the rock.  I have to keep my gaze upward, and outward.  He is the only answer to my troubles.  He is my strength.  He is my hope.  He gives me a hope that boggles the mind.  I don't even understand it.  I look at the rubble around me, and I know that God is working something great out for me.  I don't know what it is, but he is at work.  I just have to wait on him.  When I am alone, those are the times that the devil attacks.  He attacks me with hopelessness.  He attacks me with my failings.  I am not condemned.  I am forgiven.  When there seems to be no hope, that is when God is ready to do the most unlikely things.  He is a mighty God.  He is so much bigger than all of my sorrows.  When I want him to hurry, he whispers softly for me to wait on him.  I am waiting for my eagle's wings.  I am waiting soar.  Sometimes, I just wish that today was that day.

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