This happens every year. New Year rolls around, and everyone makes new years resolutions, and by the second week of January we have all ready failed. I am just as guilty as anyone else. I guess a big part of the problem is ever thinking that we could do it on our own. I know for a fact that I could never be the type of man who I picture in my mind on my own. I am too weak. I am too selfish. Too proud. Tozer describe this particular situation as a victory through defeat. It is only when you realize that you have no ability to do things on your own, that God will begin to really work in your life. He is sort of particular about who gets the credit for true changes in people. It is never an instant thing though. I have been learning that the hard way. At one time I just gave up on God. I just fell so many times that I just didn't see any hope in any of it. I guess I blamed God for a problem I was having. I have to be willing to wake every morning and put to death my old way of doing things. When I think I can handle it, is when I need to pray all the more. I need to stop relying on God only in most difficult things. The true character changes occur in the little details. It is in the everyday interactions that God can accomplish the most in us.
One of the things, that I need to remember this new year is that just because God has given me a fresh start, it doesn't mean that others have. I can't hold that against them. Sometimes all of the talk about change can just seem like noise to someone you have disappointed repeatedly. The important thing is to stay the course. God can bring forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean another chance. It is just a healing. It doesn't mean someone is ready to jump back into a train wreck with you again. I have to be better at understanding that. I know where I pray that God takes my life. I don't know if that is where it is going. I just can't know. I just have to put to death that selfish self-righteous me everyday, and see where it lands me. If I follow him, and he doesn't lead me where I would rather go, then he must have something different in mind for me. I have to be willing to accept that. For now, I have to do what I need to do to be the man I ought to be. The rest is out of my hands. His hands are much bigger, and he is better able to handle all of this.
Jesus said to bless those that curse you. I have put someone I care about deeply in that column. I would like to spend this year trying my best to bless that person. I ought to do it for the love of virtue, and not because I believe that it will lead to anything more. Jesus loved me so much when I was cursing him. I was his sworn enemy. I should have been following that example all along.