I have been sitting here just thinking about what I hope to accomplish with all this. What is it about this particular blog that I hope to accomplish, and how is it helping me in my life. Be warned ahead of time that this post may be a little sporadic as my thinking can be at times. You have been warned so let me just get started.
First, I have to be honest that it is kind of cool to think about people in far away places listening to what I have to say. With so many voices from so many places it is kind of neat to throw my voice into that roar we call the internet. I like to look at my stats and just take a look at the places where people have read my site. I think at this point I have made it to every continent, but Antarctica. That is kind of cool.
I have never been very comfortable about sharing how I truly feel about things. It has been refreshing to just spill myself out on this blog. My friends and family read, but any many ways this just feels so anonymous. Sort of some large bathroom stall that I can scribble all my ramblings on. Things have been best when that is what I am trying to do. I have gotten into trouble when I write just for the sake of posting something. Those posts have always fell a little flat. I am sure they have for all of you too, as I can judge by the posts that are read the most. There are many that I just wish I had waited to receive some sort of inspiration or had something I was just dying to say. I suppose it is all just water under the bridge. That is the cool part of something like this. I am always able to adjust fire and adapt the message that I am trying to send.
I have shared with some of my deepest hurts over the last few months. This has definitely been one of the most difficult times in my life. I have learned a lot about myself, and a lot about life. I would not want to move from where I am now, but to move forward. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, and I don't need any pity. There are some many things that I have learned about this Christian walk, that I would never have learned without this time in the crucible. I can truly say that one of the most powerful things I have learned is what it means to find joy in our trials. I was so down until I began to see all the growth that God has brought into my heart. I have devoured my bible. I have prayed so much. I wouldn't even say that I have turned back to God, as much as I have found God in a way that I never thought was possible. I can better understand the Psalms of David as I have lived from day-to-day in the unfailing love of God. Sometimes we make so much of what God will bring to us in the future that we fail to see all that he has for us today. He will walk with you. If you have ever read the poem Footprints, then I would like to tell you that is truth. I am living proof that in your darkest nights God will carry you through. We don't need to settle for just getting by. God will help you become more than a conqueror. I am beginning to truly see that to be the truth. He is an amazing presence in my life, and not some distant rule maker that is intent on ruining all my fun.
I have spent the better part of my life living to others expectations. I have denied essential parts of the person that I was created to be. You have no idea how difficult that is to live with. You will learn to hate yourself. I read a book by John Eldredge Wild at Heart. My favorite quote in the whole book was "That the world feel the weight of who you are, and let them deal with it". I love that quote. I wouldn't say that I have live to be what others expect me to be, but that I have hidden certain things about myself that I thought would cause people to reject me. The most important thing has been my faith. Sure I always would acknowledge that I was a Christian, but I never stressed it to the point of its importance in my heart. I thought people would think I was a freak, or that I was a fake because I cuss too much and can be so impatient sometimes. I have no gotten this all figured out just yet. I am trying harder and harder to harness my tongue. I am going to slip up probably a lot more than I would like, but I guess God is just not finished with me yet. As I close one chapter of my life and begin to move onto another, I would like to live out loud. I think in a lot of ways this blog will hold me to that. Here is a written record forever in cyberspace of where I was and where I am headed. I want people to know up front that this is who I am. If you are cool with it, then God bless. If you think I am weird or a freak, then I guess maybe we should limit our involvement in one another's lives. I learning and growing everyday. Some day I will have to go back and read all the posts from the first dark days of this trial. It would be amazing to see how far God's grace has brought me.
I would hope that all of my family and friends that have shared this journey with me would hold me to it. That is part of the reason this recording is so important. If what I have written here is not matching who I am in real life, then I want people to call me on it. I may not take it to well at first, but I would rather be told the truth than to have people tell me what I want to hear. I definitely hope that people would not let me turn back and return to that dark dismal place from where I came. I was not a good person. I was so depressed and absorbed in hating myself, that I didn't see anyone else in the room. I was an emotionally absent father, and I won't even begin to talk about the kind of husband I was. There can be nothing like living with someone who sucks all of the oxygen out of the room continually.
I am not there yet. I have so much left to do. I cannot obsess about how quickly I am moving, but just that I am moving ahead. I appreciate everyone that has come along on this journey. I really do. I am sure there is someone in Zimbabwe or Poland, that saw my struggles and lifted me up in prayer. That is amazing to think about. It has really helped. In the future I am going to do my best to keep this stuff personal. It really will not be interesting if it doesn't touch real life. I have to avoid sounding preach or trying turn this into a sermon. I will continue to share my life with you. If anyone is going through a hard time in life, then I pray God will use my words to touch them. Honestly, if this accomplishes nothing like that it is truly just noise. I don't want to be just noise.
Well I hope that wasn't too sporadic or incoherent. If you think that is bad, then you should speak to me in person. I have the strangest mind in world. I suppose that is how God made me.