Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Plans Diverted

Well, I lost my momentum.  I truly intended to write a reflection for each and everyday of Lent.  The best made plans of mice and men, I suppose.  Perhaps at sometime in the future I will go back and complete that series.  I need to stop trying to fool myself.  I am just not that disciplined.  I like to think that I will be able to maintain some sort of schedule.  That is just not me.  Besides the creative process doesn't always work on a schedule.  There are days when I truly have nothing to say, and then there are days when I just can't shut up.

Life has also diverted my attention.  Don't get me wrong.  I am definitely taking the time of reflection that Lent requires, but as far as sitting down and sharing those thoughts with all of you, well I have just not had much time.  If you had told me six months ago that I would be where I am today, then I would have told you that you were out of your mind.  I had no intention of getting back into another relationship.  If I were to do that, then I definitely saw that happening years from now.  For now, I thought, I would be content to meet new people and just date.  Nothing serious.  Just share a meal and few laughs with someone.  Honestly, I was feeling very jaded by all this.

Life has a way of tossing our plans and intentions into the air.  I had no intention of starting a relationship.  Then I met an amazing woman.  I have always had such a low opinion of myself, that I never entered a relationship on equal footing.  I was convinced that people were lowering themselves to date me, and that I ought to not rock the boat or I would be out of it in a hurry.  Here I am entering a relationship on equal footing.  It is strange and unfamiliar but exhilarating all the same.

I truly was coming to a point of contentment with my solitary life.  I was beginning to fill my schedule with things to keep me busy.  I had lodge stuff to do, and then a couple different classes for church.  In all that, I just thought that perhaps I would meet someone.  I wasn't going to really go out there, but if it happened, then so be it.  I never thought it would happen so quickly.

We had originally just started exchanging text messages.  I am not sure what it was, but I just felt a real connection.  I wanted to drag my feet, but there was just no way to slow the trajectory.  After we met, I was just a lost cause.  All caution seemed to be cast aside in a moment.  I had gone from a grown man, back to a middle schooler with a huge crush.  I really thought that I had out grown those feelings.  Love is far more practical than that isn't it?  I mean what do butterflies and clammy palms have to do with real life?  I was smitten.

So I am hooked.  I am scared to death, but at the same time I am so excited.  I find myself so anxious to spend all of my free time with her, and heartbroken when those times end.  I am realistic.  I know that this giddy infatuation stage will eventually end, but I am enjoying every minute of it.  I am not sure where this is going.  I try not to think that far in the future.  I am enjoying the trip, and I am trying to live in each and every moment.  I have stepped away from the swallow end of the pool and I am wading into the deep end.  Here goes nothing.

 

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