What Am I Doing?
I ran face first into a personal crisis several months ago. I knew immediately that I had tried to do things on my own without God, and that is a big part of my problem. I have been praying so hard. I started going back to church. I have been reading my bible. I have been reading any christian book I get my hands on. I am trying so hard to become that man who God designed me to be. I can do all these things, but it seems like for every step I take forward I take two backward. I continue to try to do what only God can do. It isn't my job. God will act in his time. I try to talk and talk. Why don't I just shut up? I get so frustrated, and then I just say the nastiest stuff. All of the work I have done on my own heart can go right out the window with a few careless words. That is not love. I have been determined to speak the truth, but I have left out the love. I want to be this strong and decisive man, but I put too much emphasis on the strong part. We should also be tender right? I want to do what is pleasing to God, but my mouth engages before my brain. I wish that I could wake up tomorrow morning and be all the man who God has made me to be. Each day I wake up and hope that it has happened in my sleep. It never does. I go back to praying and reading my bible. Why do I always seem to do the exact opposite of what I know I should? I feel strongly that God has an amazing work to accomplish if I could just get my pride out-of-the-way! I find myself getting very impatient with God. I want everything, and I want it now. I ask for patience and that last till about lunch time, then I am at it again trying to speed up his plans. When I try to speed up his plans I think I am more likely to slow them, or to stop them dead in their tracks. Can he still accomplish all that he is planning if I don't get out-of-the-way? I am so frustrated. Frustrated with myself. Sometimes, I get frustrated with God. I am trying to walk in his steps, but sometimes I feel like I am standing still. What more can I do? I know that he will not give us more than we can handle, but at times I feel like I am at my breaking point. How long. God? I wanted the ok to just walk away, and you keep sending me people and words that tell me to hang on. What am I hanging on for? Is this just a lesson in patience? Will this end in the same way if I wait? What am I supposed to learn through all this? I know one thing is to bridle my tongue. I got that message loud and clear. I have spent several years in silence, and now I just don't know when to shut up. I am trying really hard. I am praying really hard. Sometimes, I just want to toss in the towel and quit. I need your strength. I need your loving arms. Please Lord, give me something. I am not sure how much longer I can go on.