What Am I Doing?

I ran face first into a personal crisis several months ago.  I knew immediately that I had tried to do things on my own without God, and that is a big part of my problem.  I have been praying so hard.  I started going back to church.  I have been reading my bible.  I have been reading any christian book I get my hands on.  I am trying so hard to become that man who God designed me to be.  I can do all these things, but it seems like for every step I take forward I take two backward.  I  continue to try to do what only God can do.  It isn't my job.  God will act in his time.  I try to talk and talk.  Why don't I just shut up?  I get so frustrated, and then I just say the nastiest stuff.  All of the work I have done on my own heart can go right out the window with a few careless words.  That is not love.  I have been determined to speak the truth, but I have left out the love.  I want to be this strong and decisive man, but I put too much emphasis on the strong part.  We should also be tender right?  I want to do what is pleasing to God, but my mouth engages before my brain.  I wish that I could wake up tomorrow morning and be all the man who God has made me to be.  Each day I wake up and hope that it has happened in my sleep.  It never does.  I go back to praying and reading my bible.  Why do I always seem to do the exact opposite of what I know I should?  I feel strongly that God has an amazing work to accomplish if I could just get my pride out-of-the-way!  I find myself getting very impatient with God.  I want everything, and I want it now.  I ask for patience and that last till about lunch time, then I am at it again trying to speed up his plans.  When I try to speed up his plans I think I am more likely to slow them, or to stop them dead in their tracks.  Can he still accomplish all that he is planning if I don't get out-of-the-way?  I am so frustrated.  Frustrated with myself.  Sometimes, I get frustrated with God.  I am trying to walk in his steps, but sometimes I feel like I am standing still.  What more can I do?  I know that he will not give us more than we can handle, but at times I feel like I am at my breaking point.  How long. God?  I wanted the ok to just walk away, and you keep sending me people and words that tell me to hang on.  What am I hanging on for?  Is this just a lesson in patience?  Will this end in the same way if I wait?  What am I supposed to learn through all this?  I know one thing is to bridle my tongue.  I got that message loud and clear.  I have spent several years in silence, and now I just don't know when to shut up.  I am trying really hard.  I am praying really hard.  Sometimes, I just want to toss in the towel and quit.  I need your strength.  I need your loving arms.  Please Lord, give me something.  I am not sure how much longer I can go on.


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